What should you do when your sexual needs and desires don't match those of your spouse? This is a very common problem. 

Spice Up Your Sex Life: There are many professionals who offer advice to try to help partners "spice up" their relationship; there are plenty of programs and workshops and books and dvds to try to help "ignite the flame" in a couple’s sexual relationship. There are also people for whom some straightforward sex education is just the right thing and, there are many people for whom this approach doesn't work or isn't enough. I can help you explore whether or not spicing up your sex life is what your relationship needs.  If it is, I can provide suitable education and resources for you.

Open Up Your Relationship: Another approach can be for the couple to open their relationship to allow other sexual partners.  This is very often a complex and difficult process that brings up many feelings - even for those who are wholly in favor of it.  Opening up one’s relationship is best done under the guidance of an experienced person, whether a helping professional or a knowledgeable non-professional.  I can help you decide whether or not opening your relationship is right for you.  If it seems to be, I can help guide you through the process. 

Broaden Your Approach to Sex by exploring the emotional issues, expectations and perceptions underlying and surrounding your sexual problems such as:

• Seeing sex as something to perform rather than something to relax in and enjoy;
• Expecting sex to be as it was when you were young no matter what your age;
• Wanting sex to be “natural”and “spontaneous” even with children, jobs, household and other responsibilities impinging on your time and energy. 

Make changes in your perceptions and expectations so they match where you realistically are NOW in your life rather than some ideal or past experience.  

Sexual Intelligence: There is a book I highly recommend by Marty Klein, Ph.D, called, Sexual Intelligence: What we really want from sex - and how to get it (HarperCollins Publishers, NY, NY, 2012) that describes this approach.  The book takes the reader on an easy-to-understand journey to see how changing one’s perspective about sex and sexual relationships is a vital key to sexual and overall happiness. 

‘Sexual Intelligence is what gets you from adolescent sex to adult sex.  It’s what gets you from hormone-driven sex to sex you choose.  It’s what gets you from “sex has to validate me” to “I validate my sexuality.” It’s what allows you to adapt sex to yourself, instead of you adapting to sex.’ (page 6). 

I can help you increase your Sexual Intelligence if this approach seems right for you and help you create a realistic and satisfying sex life. 

Get help if you need it. 

Email me or call me at 908.420.0898